The Forgotten Book
by FebruaryAquarian
Summary: It's a cold night in November when Lily remembers she forgot her book in a tower. Who knew a simple forgotten book would change two lives forever. Warning: Suicidal thoughts, mild language. Not a one-shot any longer.
1. Chapter 1: For Whom the Bell Tolls

_**A/N:**__ This deals mildly with issues of suicidal thoughts, just a warning for triggers. I did not delve too deep into it for that reason. _

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**The Forgotten Book**

**Chapter One: For Whom the Bell Tolls**

"What're you doing?" Lily's sharp-toned and anxious voice spoke from behind Severus at the top of the Grand Staircase Tower, the most prominent and tallest tower in the school. "You'll fall-are you mad?"

Nothing about this felt right. Why was Severus up here at almost midnight? She wasn't even supposed to be out, but she needed the book to do her homework tomorrow. She was so shocked to see someone, she almost recoiled back down the stairs, but upon recognizing that greasy hair as Severus, she had come on up. He was looking over the ledge and shaking while sobs racked from his body. It was not like Severus and at that very moment, a horrible feeling came over.

Severus gripped the brass ledge. _Lily_. Her voice was recognizable to him, but did not dare turn her direction, too proud to let her see his face. Not to mention that he did not want her to see the tears stained on his cheeks. Of the people who could have found him, why her? But he was not going to let her stop him. She did not care about him, not really.

"Severus? What're you doing up here at this hour?" A quiver formed at her words, a surprising edge of unease on her lips.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I left my book. Professor Markham took us up here for art lessons."

Though he could not see her, he could feel an icy stare at his back. "So you got your book and now you can go."

Lily said nothing and he did not hear a single footstep.

"I said go." He was not going to have an audience.

Lily refused to move. Something screamed inside of her to stay.

"Why are you just standing there like an idiot?"

"Aren't you coming down? It's nearly midnight."

"No." Severus clutched the rail, ready for when she was down far enough to not hear him.

Lily stepped forward and saw a slip of paper lying on the table under a rock. Pulling out her wand slowly, she released the paper. Severus caught her too late.

"Don't read that!" He bellowed.

Lily read it anyway.

_You can send a note to my father, telling him what I did. Not that he'll care. I'm just a screw-up. I have no real purpose, no need to be here, to live anymore. I'm sick of being bullied and forgotten and I'm sick of all of it, of everything. I did the world and especially our world a favour by ending the existence of myself. I just want to all be over. The pain, all the pain. No one could or can help. The only real friendship I ever had I already ruined. I ruined my chances of being somebody when they found out I had a crush on that friend by accident. Don't tell her though. She'll be better off not knowing I liked her as more than a friend, that I loved her. She likes someone else, someone from her own house. Do tell her I truly am sorry for what I said. I know that I must have hurt her and I wanted to lash out at someone. I was never mad at her. How could I be? Just tell her, tell Lily that I know sorry isn't enough, but I really and truly am sorry for what I said that day to her and I'd give anything to take it back. It cost our friendship and I hope she accepts my apology. Thanks for helping me learn about magic the past six years. I've had some nice times, but most were not so great. _

_Severus Snape, Sixth Year Slytherin November 29, 1976_

Lily glanced back up at him, her eyes the size of galleons, horror-stricken. "Sev-you-you're going to-" Her heart gave a strong jolt. Glancing around fiercely, she tried to think fast of how to stop him. She had to stop him.

"So what? Leave the note. You know everything now so go back and leave me be!" He snapped, but tried to keep his voice down so no one else might be alerted.

"No."

Still refusing to look at her, he just gripped the rail so hard that it dug into his palms. "Just go." He snapped again.

"No. Get down from there. Please?"

He could hear her voice trembling, but shook his head. "Don't tell me what to do! Don't eve act like you give a shit about me."

Lily nearly stumbled over her own feet. She clenched her fists, but stopped herself short of a harsh response. "Please? Come on, let's just talk okay. You and me-alone-however long you want, just please, don't jump. Don't do this." Her throat clenched. "Please."

"Just let me go and get on with your life."

"I can't do that." She squeaked out. "I'll stay up with you-all night if you want to talk that long or-or just sit here with me. Just please, don't do this."

Severus shook his head, but had to admit that he was a bit shocked that she was even suggesting talking to him or staying with him. They weren't friends anymore. She did not care. No one did, not about him. "I'm worthless. I don't have a purpose and I'm sick of it-of everything. Everyone will be happier and better off I just left this world for good."

"That's not true!" Lily snapped, not keeping her voice down. She knew if she was caught out of bed, she'd be in big trouble, but right now detention was not a thought on her mind. Who cared about a few days scrubbing trophies or cauldrons when Severus's life was literally hanging by a thread? Nothing seemed important right now, not even her early class tomorrow or lack of sleep.

"It is."

"It's NOT!" She was almost yelling and tears started to pool her eyes. "Just come here. We'll go out-do whatever you want-talk to someone-a professor-"

"I don't want to talk to a professor!" He grumbled, still maintaining a whispered voice.

"Then talk to me."

He nearly jumped as her hand firmly gripped just below his elbow.

"Please, just come with me." She now had a glimpse of his face. It was worn and his eyes blood-shot and red-rimmed as if he had hardly slept for days. They were also puffy and his face splotchy. His cheeks were stained with tears. His whole body was trembling and his skin was like ice. He was also strangely wearing muggle clothing instead of his robes. His gray short-sleeve shirt was not warm enough for such a frigid night and it baffled her as to why he would wear that.

Severus jerked away from her and backed off from the ledge. "Why are you doing this?"

"You're trying to end your life!"

"So what? No one here or at home gives a fuck about me! Don't pretend like you care either!"

Lily shook her head. "Sev-I never-I never didn't care. Of course I care."

He turned on her, his eyes shooting daggers her direction. "Oh really? You cut me off-you didn't care what happened to me."

"I did so! I just couldn't stop-couldn't stay friends when we were going in such different directions. You wanted them-you chose them. I couldn't follow-couldn't stay with you-not when you wanted them-called me that word. Don't pretend you didn't think it-that I was that!"

"I don't. I took out my anger on you." He pulled out his wand. "No, just go. I don't want you to watch-to see me dead."

Lily took a step toward him and caught him by surprise when she lunged forward and tackled him to the ground. Pulling his wand in did not stop her from fighting it out his hands and he was amazed at her strength.

"Get off!" He yelled out.

Lily was breathing heavy as she fought with determination to get the wand from his hands. "I won't let you do it!"

"If you truly cared about me, you would let me go."

Lily dug her fingernails into his hands in the tussle and he cringed giving her just enough of a chance to snatch his wand. He clung to the end of it, desperate to not let her have his weapon.

"No," she tried to catch her breath. "No, if I didn't care-I'd let you do it, but I do and I won't let you!"

"Let me have my wand!"

Lily pinned him down. "No! You aren't-I won't let you turn it on yourself!" As she tried to push the wand away from him, her right hand slipped and her fingernails scratched his lower arm. He grimaced and she took her chance and yanked the wand from his grip. She scurried to her feet, catching her breath.

He laid there on the dirty concrete floor that was caked with dried dirt. A feeling of being overpowered came over him for a moment, before he tried to formulate a plan to get his wand back, but came up empty. He slowly got to his feet. "Just let me do this." His voice claimed defeat.

That was when he got a good look at her. Tears were streaming down her face and she was fighting back sobs. He had not seen her look so anxious and distraught in a long time.

"I can't-I can't let you do it." She squeaked out, horror still plaguing her eyes.

"Why do you care?"

"Because I do. I can't let you end your life. We're sixteen. You're not even of age…you can't die yet."

Severus was a bit surprised she had not addressed what he had said in the letter and mocked him for liking her like that. She had not said one word and it almost irritated him. He knew she knew that he was speaking of her. Who else would it have been? He wanted her to hate him, to leave him alone and let him end it all. It would make it so much easier if she hated him. No one had given one thought to him since summer and he did not want her to start caring now.

"We're not friends-you don't care-leave me be."

Lily shook her head. "Stay here. Stay with me. Let's go down and just talk to me. Only me. We don't have to talk to a professor or anyone else. I won't tell anyone…not one soul anything you tell me in private. On my honour, I swear to you. Just-just come down with me. Don't end your life."

Severus folded his arms across his chest and scowled. "I don't have anything to live for."

"What about your future?"

"I don't have one."

"Sure you do. You're brilliant-intelligent as they come. You're amazing at so much, know so much."

Severus glared at her. "That doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. You can do anything."

"No, it doesn't!" He was not keeping quiet anymore. "It doesn't matter. Don't you get it? You don't know anything-"

Her eyes narrowed on him. "I know plenty!"

"You don't know how it works. Being smart isn't enough! You have to know people-have to be in the right house or right family to get jobs and have a life. I'll never have any of that! The whole damn school hates me! No one gives a rat's ass about what happens to me!"

"I don't hate you. I never hated you."

Severus scoffed. "Oh really? What do you call that night after I called you that word? You hated me!"

"I did not hate you, Sev. Was I mad? Yes. Did I hate you? No. I forgave you. I'm over it, but we did not need to stay friends. We had grown too far apart."

"If you forgave me, then why didn't you tell me?" His eyes were almost slits.

"I didn't think you'd care anymore. You seemed so adamant to join them-join the Death Eaters that I didn't-I just-we'd grown too far apart. I didn't think we could be friends again even if we did forgive that incident." She looked at him. She had not dared address the shocking revelation that Severus had a major crush on her. It just seemed so unimportant and she did want to embarrass him in any way. If she knew Severus, and she was sure she did, the last thing he wanted was to be mocked or embarrassed. If wasn't something to mock anyway. She understood.

He was brilliant and ambitious and quite resilient normally, but he was also ruthless and insecure and selfish. She wondered where that ambition and resilience had gone though. Right now he had none of the determination or will she used to remember. What had happened?

"I would have cared." He spoke softly.

Lily looked at the cold ground. "You must be freezing."

He glared curiously at her. "I'm fine." His arms were filled with bumps from the frigid air beating his bare arms raw.

"Come down with me."

"Why? So I can be a failure?"

"You're not a failure."

Severus fought a battle in his mind, wanting to go with her and wanting to be left to die alone. "If anyone sees that note now-"

Lily took the note out of her robe pocket and put her wand on it, almost wanting to laugh that he was worried about a little note when he had been planning to end his own life. She spoke something he could not make out and then the letter blew into smithereens, sprinkled in the air and vanished before they hit the ground. "Now, no one will ever see the note." She grinned and put out her hand. "Just between you and me. No one will ever have to know what happened tonight either."

He saw her hand beckoning him and he was shocked. Severus gave a fleeting looking over to the tower's ledge. Finally he took her hand. She gripped it with a twitch at the corner of her mouth, almost as if she was going to smile for a second. Who knew a simple forgotten book could change so much?

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_**A/N**: Not a one shot anymore. Hope you enjoyed!_


	2. Chapter 2: Witching Hour

_Thanks to __**Edboy4926, Unnamed Visitor, Doomsday2012**__ and __**DevinePhoenix**__ for the reviews._

_Wanted this up earlier, but you get woken up at 15 til 5 in the morning by a bird outside your window singing the same song over and over and over again while it's still pitch black dark outside. I tried to make sure it was revised and edited well, but like I said...I've been up since five so I'm just a little tired. Apologies for missed mistakes if there are any. _

_*Sorry for two e-mails. The first uploaded my unedited version of this. I fixed that problem. Now it should be better...I hope. ;) _

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**Chapter Two: Witching Hour**

His hand was like ice as his fingertips touched the palm of her hand. She wondered just how long he had been up here. On a night as cold as tonight, he wouldn't have had to be up here long to develop hypothermia or worse. If he had not jumped and stayed up there in that shirt, he might have frozen to death instead. Maybe that was part of his goal, to freeze to death if jumping did not work.

Her hands were not much warmer, but she clasped her hand over his in an attempt to warm them up a little. She gave his hand a light squeeze. His face twitched as a light from another tower produced a soft glow over his face. It seemed out of place on him tonight. There was not an ounce of radiance from his glum expression and it was painful for her to see. Deep down in her gut she ached for him and whatever had brought him to such a final, horrible decision.

Lily motioned her head towards the stairs. Severus hesitated, but after a moment and seeing Lily bit her lip, he followed her down the steps, letting go of her hand. Without the moonlight in the stairwell, Lily's lumos was the only way they could not trip over their own feet on the way down.

As he walked behind her, part of him still wanted to snatch the wand from her pocket, race up the stairs and jump over that ledge. Another part of him, a greater part, wanted to follow her, so he kept walking behind her. Lily stopped to listen every other step and he was not sure why until he noticed she was constantly glancing over her shoulder at him. While he wanted to be angry that she suddenly seemed to worry about his well-being, another part of him wanted to jump for joy that she did care, proving she was the only one still who truly did. Still, she had stopped him and he wanted to be angry about that. He could not be angry with Lily though.

After several minutes they reached a door. Lily cracked it open, the metal door squeaking as she did. With a glance around, she nodded and waved him over. He sighed and walked through it.

"Where are we?" He finally whispered as she walked.

"Somewhere safe." She was not sure if she was going the right direction for her dorms. She was definitely not taking him in the Gryffindor dorms, but she wanted to go that way to find a private spot and there were plenty of rooms that would be empty. "We need somewhere safe to stay-to talk. You need somewhere safe to sleep."

"I don't need sleep."

Lily shook her head. "You haven't slept in days."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"

"I know everything," she smirked. "Besides, your eyes are bloodshot from lack of rest. We'll find somewhere-safe?" She flashed her light toward a room. "There it is."

"The study room?"

Lily nodded. "It's quiet, secluded and away from everything."

"Shut that light out. I'm trying to sleep." A portrait shouted.

"Sorry." Lily whispered and moved her wand away from the portraits.

As Lily opened the door, Severus groaned to himself. Why did she think this was a good idea? Why did he even listen to her? Why was she suddenly so invested in his well-being now?"

"Let's stay here tonight."

Severus shook his head. "No."

"Why not? There's couches and a warm fire. It's nice and quiet and safe." She went in and glanced around. There was a soft pallid couch, some comfy looking rosy, floral chairs, and a fireplace by the couch with a fire that was near its death.

Severus moaned and entered. "Lily, let's get out-we'll get in trouble."

She took a seat on the couch and patted the spot beside of her. "Like you really care about that when you were sneaking out after hours to end your own life. Besides, that's the last thing I'm worried about."

"I don't want to talk."

"Then we don't have to talk. Just sit down with me."

Could he resist such a temptation as to sit next to Lily? As much as he wanted to sit next to her, to be near her again, his pride won over. She titled her head slightly, eyebrows raised curiously.

"Sev, just sit on the couch."

Before the mudblood incident, they could sit and talk and were fine with that, but now that he had calmed down a little from the day, he suddenly wanted to run from her presence. She knew that he liked her and now he did not have death to reprieve him if word got out. Dead people can't be embarrassed after all.

"I'm fine standing." As he said this, he wasn't sure if that were true. His eyelids were heavy, though the very thought of sleep was abhorrent. Even if he could lie down, slumber was unlikely in his state of mind. The insomnia that had plagued him over the past few weeks in addition to the complete mistrust of forty winks unguarded were catching up with him.

Lily stood up. "You sit and I'll stand."

"I'm fine." He mumbled.

She huffed. "Just sit already."

After a deep glare at one another, Severus finally relented. He sat on the couch and Lily sat in one of the chairs across from the couch.

Lily's empty stomach churned in horror as the realization sunk in as to what had happened over the past fifteen or so minutes. Would he have jumped over that ledge had she not shown up when she did? Or would he have somehow talked himself out of it? That seemed unlikely. This was Severus after all. What if she had shown up just a few minutes later? Would she have been too late? What if she had watched him jump? What if she had not forgotten that art book? She had been in a hurry when the professor had kept them over and in her rush, she left that book in the corner where she had worked. It wasn't until after hours that she realized it was gone. Having not wanted to get caught out of bed, she had waited until nearly midnight to sneak out, not knowing when she would find the time later in the day to retrieve the book.

Upon leaving the dorm, she had figured she would only face ghosts, maybe Peeves, fussy portraits and at the worst she would find herself caught by a professor or Filch. She certainly never expected to find another student and definitely not Severus.

Severus. What on earth would possess him to even consider jumping off that ledge to his death? As her mind pondered the reasons, she turned to what she remembered over the past few months. She had hardly seen Severus over summer. Only in passing in town a couple times. Since school had started, she had not spoken to him once. She stayed with her other friends. She assumed he had stayed with his Slytherin friends, but now that she thought about it, he did not sit with Mulciber or Avery or any of the others he used to sit near.

When she really thought about the past two and a half months, she recalled Severus sitting alone at meals and classes and in the halls when she passed him, he was always by himself and sullen. Once she had remembered seeing him as he walked across the bridge. It was easy to remember that day. It was a few days before Halloween and the air had been chilly with a light drizzle. He had been alone as he walked with a very slow pace, not in a hurry to go anywhere. His forlorn expression had caught her eye with a jab at her heart. For a brief moment, she had stopped. For a brief moment she has considered saying something to him. Something about him just didn't seem right and it had bothered her. Despite what had happened between them, none of it mattered for that moment because he looked like he needed someone. She never got the chance to say anything as her friends had pulled her away. When she looked back, Severus was gone in the crowd of people. She had brushed off ideas that he might be in trouble.

"Why?" That was all Lily could think to say.

Severus heard her, but ignored her for a moment as he lay on the couch. "Does it matter?"

"Yes. It matters. What were you thinking? What compelled you-I mean, why consider doing that?"

"I don't have a reason."

"No one considers ending their own life at sixteen without a reason." Lily snapped.

Severus scoffed. "I was born. There's a reason. It's not like anyone would miss me."

Lily shook her head. "That's not true."

Severus glared up at her. "Of course it is. Name one person who would have given a shit if I fell off the face of the earth right now. I wouldn't even have a funeral. They'd just toss me in a cheap box in the ground."

Lily grimaced, the thought horrifying. "Me."

"You wouldn't have given a shit. Don't even pretend." He snapped and wrapped the throw over the couch around his body.

"I would have given plenty of shit about you."

"We're not friends." He turned away from her. "You made that clear a few months ago."

"Doesn't matter. I would've been horrified if you died." She sighed to herself. "Why wouldn't I try to stop you?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "To make yourself look like a saint. Brave Gryffindor stops Slytherin from killing himself, though we all know no one would have given a crap if he had succeeded."

"Really? That so?" Her expression was cold and her tone sharp. It was silent a moment while she calmed herself before saying something she'd regret. "You're wrong about me, but I want you to stop putting this on me and tell me why you did this? You're stalling. I want the truth."

"I told you."

"Be that way then." She paused for a brief moment. "What happened between you and the others? You wanted to be like them, join You-Know-Who just before school ended last year. What happened?"

Severus let out a scoff and looked at the armrest of the couch. "I changed my mind."

"You said it had to do with them finding out you-that you liked someone." Lily's cheeks become rosy, debated how to approach this subject with him. The last thing she wanted was to embarrass him, but she had to get to the truth. "A muggleborn. Did he know?"

Severus grumbled. "Doesn't matter-don't care about `em."

"But that was a problem. They stopped caring about you."

"They never cared about me." He snapped.

"I know." She answered softly after a moment. "But I do...and I mean that." She looked at the red desert sand rug.

Severus clinched his fists, all his blood rushing to his head. His stomach bubbled with fury and he turned to her. "You want to know why? Is that it? You want to try and understand me?"

Lily glanced up quickly with eyes round like coins. "Yes-"

"Well, you never well! You and your-your precious little friends will never-you'll never get it-you'll never understand! Clueless-privileged-thick-headed-privileged know-it-alls who know nothing-nothing at all about life! Treated like royalty! Get away with everything!"

Lily did not dare mention he said privileged twice. She said nothing at all.

"Maybe I'm sick of it! Maybe I'm just sick of it-sick of it all-of-of being treated like a piece of shit! I get it from home! I get it from school! There's no damn place I can go-nowhere-nothing-I'm NOTHING!" His breathing was so heavy he sounded like a bull when he breathed out. "This WHOLE DAMN SCHOOL IS WORTHLESS! NO ONE GAVE A SHIT THAT BLACK TRIED TO KILL ME! NO ONE GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THEY'VE DONE TO ME EVER!" He shut his eyes, catching his breath on his dry throat. "Not one teacher cares how hard I work-HOW HARD I TRY! I'm NOTHING! Just another worthless git to them!"

He felt like a rocket had been set off in him all of the sudden. "THEY THINK I'LL NEVER BE ANY DAMN THING! AND THEY'RE RIGHT! I NEVER WILL BE ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY WON'T ALLOW IT! ME-THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT ME! DON'T ME TO WORK FOR THEM! I'M A HALF-BLOOD WITHOUT ANY TIES! AN EVIL SLYTHERIN! THEY'RE RIGHT-I'LL NEVER BE ANYTHING AT ALL! SO I WANT IT TO END-JUST TO GO AWAY! NO FAMILY-NO FRIENDS-NO ONE-NOTHING AT ALL! JUST SICK AND TIRED OF IT!" Severus choked, the fire in his stomach growing hotter while his heart gripped with emotion.

"I just want to be gone. It'll be the best for everyone if I just-if I was gone for good. There, happy? That's why I did it. There's my pathetic reason. Go tell everyone and they continue to make my life a living hell. They've been doing it all along, what's the different now?"

He threw the books off the closest table with great force, sending them flying across the room before he smashed the table that held the books against the wall. It broke into several pieces. Severus ran his hand through his hair and gripped it so tight, he was surprised he didn't end up bald. "What's the difference? TELL ME THE DAMN DIFFERENCE! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL BE MISSED WHEN I'M GONE! DO YOU? DO YOU?" He didn't wait for Lily to answer. "IT'S NOT HAVING A PUNCHING BAG-NOT HAVING SOMEONE TO PLAY THEIR FUCKING JOKES ON! THAT'S WHAT WILL BE MISSED!" He looked out the window at the blurry sky, the fire finally being quenched inside of him by the tightening of his throat and chest. "Just a big joke. That's all I'll ever be."

Lily choked at his words, trying to think of something to say, to calm him down in some way. While shocked he had lost his temper so suddenly and broken furniture, she understood. She got up from her chair after he had smashed the table.

Severus did not hear Lily answer him. In fact, she said nothing and he scoffed to himself. As he turned to the chair where she was seated before he got up, he saw it empty. "_Figures. She left. Ignored as usual. Just like everyone else-she's like the others."_ He thought and looked out the window. Maybe he could open it...

Something touched him in the back gently. He jumped nearly a foot in the air. Before he could see what touched him, a hand was on his back.

"No. You're not a joke, Sev."

He couldn't look at her, couldn't think of what to say. He started to collapse to the ground, the raw emotion finally caught up to him. The next thing he remembered was Lily's arms around him, her own body heat warming his rigid emotion as he broke down. The weight of everything, of years of torment and pain and life bore down on him.

Lily wiped away her own tears that fell at seeing him so dejected. She tugged at him. "Come on, let's move somewhere more comfortable." She sniffed, taking out two handkerchiefs.

As Severus got to his feet, he took her handkerchief, hardly able to process anything at the moment as she led him to the couch.

"You're not worthless. You're not at all. Don't let anyone tell you that, Sev. Be the determined person I know you are. Brilliant and witty. I miss that Sev. The one who never let anyone stop him from being a success in life." She gripped his shoulder as she sat beside his curled up body.

"Stay with me." He blurted out in a stifled whisper. "Don't leave."

"Where would I go?" She whispered back. "Don't worry. I won't leave you alone. Just stay with me too. Don't end your life yet. Our world will be lost without your brilliance."

He nodded, though he did not believe her about his brilliance. "Fine. I won't." The last thing he saw was a sleeping portrait of a small elderly man. Lily put the couch's throw to his shoulders and rubbed his arm while she hummed softly. Too afraid to leave him unaccompanied, she curled up beside of Severus.

Severus awoke with Lily's arms still clutched to him. His eyes burned, heavy with yesterday's burden. He never would have been so vulnerable to anyone but Lily. However, he was horrified that he had broken down like he had. He'd spilled so much and she had said little, just listening and trying to comfort him. He had cried in front of her and brought her to tears as a result. It was official: He was determined to humiliate himself to death. The thought of word getting out about what happened yesterday sent him into a near panic.

Somehow, with her arms around him, he knew she was not going to say a word to anyone. It certainly would not look good on her either to tell about the night. Throughout the night she had not let go, probably fearing his escape and spent the night at his side. He knew her friends would be horrified to hear.

A small part of him wanted to escape, but he did not dare move from her embrace. He had longed for it and was not going to pass up the only opportunity to feel her arms around him. Lily stirred beside of him. He watched her sleep, imaging what it would be like if she liked him the way he liked her. The thought of waking up with her at his side every morning came to his thoughts, but he shoved it out quickly. _"Like she would ever be with him."_ He thought. "_Just because she cared doesn't mean she loves you like that. She doesn't and won't."_ His heart tightened. _"She's too beautiful to be with someone as hideous as me. She'd never pick me."_


	3. Chapter 3: Mourning Glory

A/N: Been more than a month, I know. So much for a calm, easy summer. Haven't stopped and grad school stuff is a pain in the rear. Storms rolled in last night. Bad, severe storms. Lost power briefly, but had a mess of trees to clean up today in the near triple digit heat. But, finally, this chapter is up. Hope it's not too terrible.

_Thanks to __**Edboy4926, Unnamed Visitor, Doomsday2012, Colonel Mycroft, **__and__** Saramagician**__ for the reviews for Chapter two. _

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**Chapter Three: Mourning Glory **

When Severus tried to move from under her arm, Lily gripped him and jumped up with such a start that he also jumped in surprise.

"What're you doing?" Lily asked with an edge to her voice as the hair stood up on the back of her neck.

Severus turned his head slightly to glimpse at her face. Her eyes were droopy with dark circles underneath that made him wonder if he has surprisingly gotten more rest than her during the night. "Nothing. I just wanted to use the bathroom. I have to go."

Lily shook her head, glancing around, remembering the night before. "What time is it?"

Severus sat up and swung his legs around until his feet hit the floor. The clock ticked in the corner. "Almost nine."

Lily nodded, still half-asleep. Severus got up and opened the door.

"I'll be back in a minute. I can take care of myself."

Lily rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"What, you want to watch me answer nature's call?"

"No."

"Then I'll be back in a two-three minutes."

He left the room and she moaned. Her body ached from lack of sleep. Every time he had moved in his sleep, she had woken up. He barely moved at all, but a little stir was enough to wake her and each time she found him still in a deep slumber, which was a comfort. She figured he had needed every wink, but she had to admit to herself that it was really awkward to be so close to him, touching him the way she was as she had never done that before. Though it was just a hug, he never was a touchy-feely person and she never really gave him much hugs or anything as a result. Perhaps she should have given him more when they were friends.

He still seemed so unhappy, but she did not know what to do. It wasn't like she could just tell someone Severus needed help. Who'd listen to her anyway? Even more than that, who'd even care to help him at all? Not Dumbledore. Not McGonagall or Slughorn or Flitwick or Sprout. None of them, not even the healer, who would probably just send him away to St. Mungo's and if word got out about Severus going away because he was suicidal, his life would be even worse when he got back. No, she couldn't let that happen, but she could also not deny he needed help from someone.

She slowly made it to her feet, barely able to move at first. She got out her wand, Severus's still tucked next to hers and turned it over, wondering just how he planned on turning his wand on himself. Did the killing curse work when you do it to yourself? Maybe she'd subtly ask a professor, though she did not want to make them think she planned on doing that...perhaps she'd say someone joked about it and while she did not find it funny, she got curious as if it was even physically possible to do. No, that didn't sound well, but she needed to know. And he needed help, probably much more help than she could give him.

Her robes were wrinkled slightly and as she looked at the time again, she gasped, nearly dropping the books she was fixing on the mended desk.

"It's nine! My class is at nine!" She swore as Severus re-entered the room. "Thank god, you're fine. Listen, stay here. I have to go-class now! Don't worry, you're safe in here." She opened the door. "Oh, and-um, don't try to do anything because you can't. The room won't let you and there are spells on the window. I'll be back in a bit."

She closed the door and raced down the hall toward the tower. Sprinting up the stairs, she nearly tripped on a vanishing stair in her haste.

There were only a couple students in the common room as she raced to her room, snatched her bag and sprinted back down to her first class. Fifteen minutes late. She was never late. With unease, a feeling of slight embarrassment hit her as she opened the door.

Slughorn glanced at her with shock. "Ms. Evans, we were pondering just looking for you."

She feigned a soft grin, her cheeks burning a little. "I'm here." It wasn't until she sat down that she remembered she had not used the bathroom. She'd have to hold it until class was over. Her stomach growled as she got out her book, her tongue and throat parched as a reminder that she had not anything to eat or drink yet.

"So," She asked, still breathing hard from her mad dash. "What're we doing? I mean today-today what are we doing?"

"What happened last night?" Mary asked. "You look awful."

Lily frowned. "Thanks."

"Well, you're a mess. Did you sleep in your robes? And you never came back last night. I was worried when you did not show up for breakfast."

She shrugged. "I fell asleep, sorry. I, um, well-" _Get your story straight, Lily_. "I went to get my book-like I told you-and heard someone coming and-you know-well-I stayed there and I guess I just-I-fell asleep."

Mary stared sceptically as Lily snatched some jumping beans.

"Three of these. That's what this says."

Mary scrunched up her nose. "You didn't even brush your teeth or your hair. It's a mess. Did you just roll out of bed and come straight here?"

Lily put her hand to her mouth and then to her hair as Mary insulted her appearance. She cleared her throat and took some of the ingredients. "I'm fine. You smash this, right?"

Mary just glared as Lily pressed down on the bean. Lily's skin tingled a little, unable to concentrate knowing Severus was alone in that room. What if he found a way to end his life while she was gone that she had forgotten about in her tired haze? What if someone attacked him and he was wandless? What if-

"Lily!"

Lily snapped out of it. "Huh, what?"

"You're leaking the juice onto the table. You need that!" Mary grumbled and hurried to scoop up the juice of the bean. "What's wrong with you?"

She narrowed her eyes at Mary. "Nothing's wrong with me. I'm just tired, that's all."

"What'd you do last night?"

"Nothing. I just-I fell asleep in the tower, that's all."

"Alone?" Mary raised an eyebrow.

Lily huffed lightly. "Yes, alone. Who else would I have been with?" She snapped and squished the bean harder than necessary.

"I don't know. Lots of boys like you. Maybe Potter? He's had his eye on you for awhile, hasn't he?" Mary smirked, her eyes knowing.

She sucked in air. "I don't know. I don't care."

Mary rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. You know you like him too and I can't blame you. I mean he's handsome and brilliant and funny and-"

"I don't care, okay. I don't-who cares about Potter right now. Just let it go." Lily snapped harsher than needed, but she just did not have it in her to think about something so trivial right now or argue about it at the moment. There were far more pressing issues at hand than which boy fancied her.

"Okay, fine. Someone's being grumpy today. Not my fault you left that book up in the clock tower."

Lily and Mary said little the rest of the class and finished the potion. Lily took the completed vile to the professor's desk at the end of the lesson.

"Professor?"

Slughorn glanced up at her and smiled. "Problem with the potion?"

"No, no, not at all. I just have a question."

Slughorn put down his book and nodded. "Certainly."

"I know it's a silly one, but I was curious after someone joked about it. Is it-um-is it possible to use the killing curse on yourself?"

Slughorn's eyes grew serious and his grin fell. "Yes, I suppose."

Lily wrung her fingers slightly, pulling them in her unease. "If someone were to, I don't know, think about turning on-turning their wand onto theirself-them-themselves, what would-can you-what should you do about it? Can their wand be taken from them?"

Slughorn was now leaning forward and watching her closely. "I'm not exactly sure. Usually they get taken away to figure out why they want to end their life-to get help." His eyes bore into hers with a mix of concern and seriousness. "Lily, is there-is everything all right?"

Lily was afraid this might happen. "Yes, of course."

"If anything's been going on, you know all professors here can speak with you about it. There's not a need to do something drastic."

She shook her head. "Oh no, don't worry. I'm just fine. I mean, if you're thinking I'm wanting to turn my wand on myself, I promise I'm not. I wouldn't consider it. I'm not suicidal, honest."

Slughorn just stared at her, making her really uncomfortable. The room grew eerily silent, making her squirm a little. "Is someone else considering it?"

Lily just shrugged. "Thanks for your help. See you later." She turned and hurried out of the room, making a stop in the bathroom on her way back to where Severus was. While she didn't bother to shower, she did brush her teeth and comb her hair.

When she entered the room, she did not see Severus. Her body jolted, nearly frozen for a moment as hair stood up on the back of her neck. Throat gripped and breath laboured, she moved forward into the room as her eyes darted around for any sign of life or worse, the possible end of it. "Severus?"

No answer came. In a frantic haste, she hurried through the room, but it was hardly half a minute before she found him. With a sigh of relief, she saw him alive and seated on the floor with his back against the couch as he stared out the window.

"Don't do that to me! Why didn't you answer? I thought something had happened to you."

Severus scoffed. "I'm here, aren't I?" He sniffed lightly.

It was then Lily saw his red-rimmed eyes that seemed so empty, so cold, yet so lonely at the same time. Her relief was shattered at his wet face. She set her books on the table nearby and slumped to the ground beside of him.

He nearly jumped when she put her hand on his shoulder, his body rigid as she rubbed his shoulder very gently.

"Can I-I have my wand back now?"

Lily shook her head. "Nope. I can't trust you with it right now."

"And if I'm attacked, that's better?" He snapped.

"You won't be attacked."

"Oh, yeah? You must not know how others think about me."

Lily sighed. "No, I do." She glanced out the window. "But you're not safer with it at the moment." She sighed through her nose. "I'm going to charms. Are you coming to class?"

Severus shook his head and turned his head away, his elbow against his knee and his hand against the left side of his face.

"You can't hide in here forever."

"I'm not hiding. There's just no point in going."

Lily let out a heavy huff. "You know there's every reason to go. We'll be done soon."

"In another year." He interjected. "And a half. A year and seven months and a couple weeks."

She stretched her legs out. "And we've been here for five years and three months. A year and half doesn't seem so long."

"Seven months is more than a year and a half." He still refused to look at her as he tried to hid his sorrow best he could. He was not going to break down again like last night in front of her. It was obvious he was determined to embarrass himself in front of her. All she had to do was let one thing he'd said or done the past ten hours slip out and his life would go down the proverbial toilet.

Lily saw a branch, barren of leaves tapping the window as a harsh wind pounded against it. She shivered just imagining the brisk air outside. The room however was warm and cosy as a fire crackled on the opposite side of the couch.

"You sure you don't want anything? Don't want to come to class with me?" With slight apprehension, she moved her hand on his back and saw his eyes shift to her arm, but could not place the look in his eyes. Either it was unease or surprise or maybe a bit of both. "We can sit together...if you want...like we used to."

He scoffed. "I'm sure that would go over really well."

"Are you ashamed to sit next to me?" Lily eased her grip on his back.

"No." He half scoffed. "Why would I be ashamed of you? You're the one who'd get all the hostility if we sat together. Your friends would be upset with you for talking to that loser again."

"Who cares about them? I just want you to come to class and finish school to see that-that there's more-beyond here-beyond this silly school. You've made it this far. It's too far to quit now." She slightly rubbed his back. "Don't give up. Why don't you come?"

Severus shook his head. "I think I'll go to the library or something."

Lily did not say anything for a moment. "The library is a good place, but if you even think about-"

"I said I wouldn't, didn't I?" He snapped and put his hand down from his face. "Though it's cruel of you, you know that?"

Lily stopped mid-way of getting to her feet, plopping back onto her knees. "What?"

"I don't want to be here. No one wants me here either. You should've just let me go."

Lily said nothing, in a bit of shock at his response. "No, letting you go through with that would be cruel. Imagine if some first year had found you after you'd jumped. That's cruel. Or if someone had come, even me, and had to watch you jump. That's cruel." Her expression softened. "Not getting the chance to live out your life...that's even more cruel-the cruellest thing you could do to yourself."

Severus scoffed.

"A brilliant mind like your own-our world needs someone like you. Look at the many other dunderheads in this school. What will they do to help this world of ours? Look at the mess-we're in a war. Things are corrupt and times are troubled. Now, more than ever, we need someone like you."

"I'm quite certain you think I'm an idiot."

"I never once said you were an idiot." Lily snapped. "I never thought such a thing. Did I think joining up with wannabe Death Eaters was dumb-yes, yes, I did. But that's the thing that irritated me the most about that decision of yours."

Severus rolled his eyes. "That I'm dumb for it?"

"That you were smarter than that. You could do so much better than them. Be so much more-so much better that I-it was so hard to see it-see you want to just be that. You're one of the most intelligent people in this school and that's what you wanted to be-to do and I just never understood it." She got to her feet.

"Of course not, you don't get what it's like-what my life is like. You couldn't understand it. You're-you're perfect and smart and in the "good" house. You're allowed to be somebody in this world. I'm not. I'm everything they don't want."

"That's not true."

Severus scoffed again.

"Come on. Come with me."

Severus stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to the library." He opened the door and glanced back at Lily, who was biting her lip. "I'm not going to do anything. Promise."

"You actually promise? Swear on your magic?"

Severus cringed. "Yes." He clinched his teeth. "Swear on my magic that while you are at charms class today I will not harm myself in any way."

Lily's shoulders eased. "Okay." She grabbed her bag. "I'm going off to class." She left the room and took once last glance at him before she headed down the hall.

_Barely made it_, she thought to herself as she dropped her bag on table.

"Well, someone cleaned themselves up." Sirius smirked from the table in front at her.

Lily let out a huff and got out her stuff before taking her seat. "Yeah, so what?"

"Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She ignored him as she took her seat with a flop and ran her hand through her hair. Maybe she shouldn't have come to class today? But he swore on his magic he would not do anything to himself...during this class. He was alone though and being alone makes you more depressed. She wished he'd just come to class.

"What'd you do last night? Drink a little too much?" Sirius leered.

Lily rolled her eyes and stared at him with a heavy frown.

"Nah, I think she was snogging with some guy." Mary stated. "She was out all night. Said she was going to get a book and never came back."

"And it wasn't with me?" James stated, feigning shock.

Lily scoffed. "I wasn't snogging anyone...can you just let it go?"

"Ooh, she was with someone. Straight for a shag?" Sirius laughed and Peter snorted.

"Shut up. No one shagged or snogged anyone-just get over yourself. Just because you suck at everything else in life, but that doesn't mean that's what everyone is doing." She slammed her book down and flipped it open in frustration.

Sirius laughed. "And how do you know if I'm good at a snog and a shag?"

Lily scoffed with disgust. "Yeah, you're right. You probably suck at that too."

"Oh-ho, someone's having a bad time of the month?"

Lily glared daggers into Sirius. "So what's your excuse for being an arse all the time?"

Sirius laughed with a sneer on his lips. "You'd like us if you spent more time with us."

It was Lily's turn to scoff and sneer. "Or I'd consider killing you."

"You know you'd like James, you two have a lot in common and you ought to consider-"

"Don't," She interjected quickly. "Just don't. I don't need anyone setting me up. I have enough on my mind right now."

"Lily, you're almost 17 and you've never been kissed. You really ought to-"

"So what?" Lily shrugged as she interrupted. "Big fucking deal. I don't give a care about that. Who cares about a kiss? There's more important things to worry about than a stupid kiss."

Mary looked shock as did the others around her who she discovered were listening to their conversation. _Nosy busybodies._ She thought to herself. _Why don't they all mind their own business?_

"Morning. Open your books to page 154 and we'll start a new, more complicated charm today. Read over the lesson while I take role." Professor Flitwick went over the names. "Snape?" He looked around. "No Snape?"

Lily swallowed hard, glancing at his seat.

"Third time he's missed in two weeks. Anyone know anything about Mr. Snape?"

A tall, pudgy boy with eyes like spikes and almost yellow like a cat's sneered. "Yeah, he probably keeps slipping in his own pool of grease and has to fix that broken nose of his he keeps breaking...oh, wait, that's just how his nose looks."

Flushed with anger, she stood up, nearly knocking her chair back in the process. Before she could stop herself, she had removed her wand from her robe pocket as her hands shook with contorted rage. Physically she had reacted ahead of her mind, her thoughts still jumbled and incoherent.

"We do not make fun of other students...Ms. Evans, are you all right?"

Lily snapped out of her thoughts and realized everyone was staring at her. Her cheeks turned cerise as the heat rose into them.

"Is there something you'd like to say?"

The words caught on Lily's tongue a moment before she ignored the snickers around her. "Oh, there's plenty I'd like to say, but I won't because we're in a classroom."

Jeers and chuckles and gasps emitted from the students.

"But I will inform everyone that Mulciber has never done anything with a woman like he claims and those knickers were ones he stole from the drying line."

Part silence and part gasps and a small amount of snickers and jeers came from the others.

"That's all I have to say for now." She took her seat calmly and looked at her book. It took a moment before the shock seemed to wear off enough to get back to the lesson.

"Lily, what're you doing? He's going to kill you." A roommate of hers whispered from the table behind her.

"Let him try. He's too stupid to manage such a feat."

"You remember what he did to Mary, don't you?"

"Yes, and he's creepy and disturbed, but he did not have a right to speak that way."

"Okay, everyone, quiet-quiet! Back to reading." Flitwick put his hands down and took a seat.

The hour long class seemed to take much, much longer. The second hand on her watch gave the impression of being broken at the pace it appeared to move to her. It didn't help that many people glanced at her with suspicion and some of the Slytherins glared at her with anger throughout the class.

Once the class ended, she hurried out of the room, ignoring some of her friends calling after her about lunch. As her stomach rumbled, she was reminded that she had only had a bite of toast. Still, her stomach could wait. Finding Severus and making sure he was okay was her only goal.


	4. Chapter 4: Hard Knocks

_Thanks to __**Edboy4926, Guest-Ayla-tan, TheUndectableMayReach, Eawynne, Guest1, Guest2, Guest-Unnamed Visitor, lbjw0128, RoriPotter, Saramagician**__ and **Flame55**__ for the reviews for chapter three._

_A/N: I know it's taken a long time to update this story...and all my stories. I'm working on them slowly. Things have been so crazy this summer. Started a new job that's determined to shorten my lifespan, went on vacation for two weeks which was wonderful because I haven't had a vacation in four years, dealing with all the insane school stuff and classes just started again. Looking for different work that pays much better than what I'm doing right now (ha!). Trying to get the other stories finished up too for an update. They all need one badly. _

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**Chapter Four: Hard Knocks**

Severus watched Lily run down the hall. Her bag bounced as she hurried and continually hit her hip over and over and he cringed as his heart raced faster. Shapely, she had a lovely shape to her and as he watched the curvature of body, a very tiny grin formed at his lips. It took all of a second for him to lose that grin however. "_Worthless, you're worthless and you know she'll never have anything to do with you that way in her life._ _Don't think about her like that-just forget about her completely. Anyone is better than you…well, almost anyone would be better."_

He slowly closed the door to the study and stared down the desolate hallway. Overwhelmed suddenly, his throat gripped and he put his hands deep in his empty pockets and walked down the hall while he gazed down at the wooded floor. Whispers emitted from the portraits nearby and a soft wolf whistle caught his attention away from the despondent hollow pang inside.

"Someone's smitten over a beautiful young lass." The man in 1600s fighting robe gear winked his direction.

"I told you, John, mind your tongue. Leave the lads and lasses to their crushes and teenage fantasies." A woman in fancy Victorian robes stated.

"She's too pretty for a drab thing like him." Another woman in Victorian robes stated. She had a nose scrunched up like a pig and gave an uppity stare upon her eyes. "What do you expect though…they all taint the blood. Half-breed, he is. I can tell. Why he looks so filthy, muggles are filth."

"Don't you speak like that!" The first woman snapped. "You know as well as I do that if it wasn't for witches and wizards mating with the muggles, there'd be hardly a pint of us left to keep going. He may not be the cleanest looking lad, but he appears very bright."

"You don't know if he's a bright child or not. You're making assumptions. What I do know is that he doesn't stand a chance with a pretty young lass like that. Finding someone you stand a chance with, no one."

"Don't listen to her. You stand just as good a chance as any."

"Don't be naïve, Genevieve, that pretty gal has got to have some handsome young lads pinning for her. If she's smart, she'll pick someone at her level and not beneath it."

"Don't you speak like that, Miriam, if our mother were here…"

Severus scoffed at the bickering portraits. "Don't worry, she's right. I don't stand a chance with her." He walked on as his sneakers echoed softly down the empty hall, voices of the portraits echoing back.

"Now look what you've done. Can't you see he's already in a sad mood. You just made it worse."

"The truth hurts."

Severus walked on, ignoring the continuous balking from the portraits along the way. The emptiness of the halls pained his chest and stomach, a sick ache held deep within himself he did not quite understand.

0o0o0o

"I'm going to go up to my room. Why don't you take a shower and wash up? Showers make me feel better." Lily tried to grin, but it just wasn't possible at the moment.

Severus nodded. "Fine."

She patted him between the shoulder blades. "Okay. You shower and I'll get some clean clothes and we'll meet back at the study room in thirty minutes?"

Lily watched him nod again and then head down the hall with his hands in his pockets.

"30 minutes."

"Yes, I mean that. 30 minutes or I'll come looking for you." Lily thought she saw a slight grin form at the corner of Severus's lips, but maybe she just hoped for one.

As she went through the portrait, she found herself barely an inch from the seventh year head boy. He frowned at her.

"Sorry." Lily mumbled.

"Been out, have you?"

Lily rose as eyebrow as she backed up a little. "Not really."

"Plan on going back out?"

Lily's throat went dry. "Yes. Why's it your concern?"

"It is when you're wanted and no one can find you."

Lily pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes slightly. "And who would be looking for me?"

"The head, that's who."

It was only then that Lily noticed the silence in the room and peered around the head boy's arm where she was eye level at his elbow to find the residents in the common room all staring. Lily frowned at them and some of the young residents quickly turned once noticed.

A few oohs and uh-ohs came from those around her year.

"Why?"

"I don't know why. She asked us to seek you and bring you to her as soon as we found you. But you showed up as I headed out. Now go and speak with her. I believe she's in her office."

Ignoring the taunts, she turned on her heel and headed back out with a swift nod to seek McGonagall. With her shoes echoing across the mostly empty halls she dashed to the ground floor. "Thirty minutes…thirty minutes…I have to be back in thirty minutes." She mumbled in haste with rigid breaths.

A group of second years passed by as they got out of transfiguration and she hurried on toward the office as she navigated her way around the students. Something warm and solid hit her arm, shoved her slightly and made her stumble back a step.

"Oh, so sorry…Lily, we were just looking for you."

Lily glanced up to see Slughorn staring down at her. "You were? Oh, well-I-McGonagall first-I said I'd come see her. She was looking for me."

She started past him.

"Lily, wait, that's what I'm saying."

She stopped and turned back to him. "What?"

"We're both looking for you." He gestured his head to the right. "Come along."

Lily's throat went dry and she cleared her throat before taking a step toward him. They entered the office and McGonagall glanced up.

"Afternoon, Ms. Evans. Sit down."

Lily hesitated a moment and slowly took her seat. "Is there a problem, Professor?"

"Well, we think there might be one." She shut a book and pushed it to the side. "Professor Slughorn informed me of a conversation you had with him this morning."

Lily cocked her head slightly and nearly bit her tongue. "Oh, that. I promise I'm not-If you think I'm going to harm myself-I'm not, honest. I'm fine. I swear to you on my magic I'm not suicidal. I'm not depressed at all."

"We wondered if you might be, but after talking, we think you were concerned about someone else who might be in trouble."

Lily said nothing, her jaw set, eyes flinched with slight emotion and body stoic.

"Is someone you know considering terminating their life? If so, this is a very serious situation we need to know about." Slughorn stated with a frown.

"Lily? We can't help unless we know who it is. We're here to help the students of this school. That includes counselling if necessary."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "No one-no teacher would care enough about him to bother, trust me. They never have. They don't even notice him."

"Him?"

"Yes, him." She rubbed her dry throat for a second as she took a moment to look away from the intense gazes on her professors' faces.

McGonagall sat erect as her eyes bore unmoving into Lily's. "Is he in your year-is he a sixth year student as well?"

"He might be." She drawled out.

"Is in your house?"

Lily shook her head as she got to her feet. "I have to go. Another class soon, but thanks."

"We'll send a note." Slughorn motioned to the seat, but she stood unflinching.

"Why do you think we would not care enough to bother to help, Ms. Evans?" McGonagall's eyes had softened at the edge.

Lily let out a mild huff through her nose, fire lit behind her eyes. "Because they never have. I showed up late today and-and Professor Slughorn says he was about to have someone look for me!" She cleared her throat at the realization that her voice had raised.

"What does that have to do with-"

"You didn't seem to care to do the same for him, did you?" Lily interrupted. "You didn't even notice-didn't care-he's right about that, but he's wrong that being forgotten by the adults and peers here means he's nothing." She turned for the door. "I don't wish to be late for my next class."

She opened the door and tore down the hallway. Slughorn and McGonagall called after her, but she was late. Thirty minutes had come and gone. Severus was who she had to seek and she needed to find him now.

Lily swerved around the last corner and hit something hard, stumbled back and nearly tripped over her own feet in the process. As she glanced up, she saw the dark blue eyes like the depths of dark sea where hardly anything chose to reside. Limp blonde hair jagged around pale ears opened to a smirk that caused her to swallow hard.

"Well, look who it is. The filthy mudblood who forgot her place in our world."

Lily scoffed. "You're just mad because I've outranked you in all the classes from day one. Being a pureblood clearly didn't help you in anything." She attempted to walk past them when one short, stocky boy grabbed her arm suddenly.

"Hey…you don't dare speak that way to your superiors."

"Ha! You aren't my superior, never have been, never will be, now let go of me." She gritted her teeth.

"What's going on..."Someone's voice boomed down the hallway, "Remove your arm from her Mr. Wilkes. You know better than to treat a young woman like that."

The boy removed his grip from her arm and she hurriedly yanked it away and backed up towards the wall.

"Ms. Evans, you alright?" Slughorn asked as he moved at a quick pace her direction.

Oh, great. She thought. "I'm fine, Professor. I'm in a hurry. I have another class and I need to check on a friend, so I may be late to Ancient Runes."

"Lily…"

"Tell the professor if you see her that I had an emergency, a sick friend, so I'll be there quickly."

"Lily…this friend, the one who's having some problems…"

"I'm fine, honest."

Slughorn raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say you. Your friend, is he in his dorm right now?"

"No, but he's fine." She looked down the hallway as a couple girls chattered away headed toward them. "I hope." She mumbled.

"Take us to him. If he's having thoughts of ending his life, we must speak with him."

Lily said nothing for a moment and stared at a portrait of a soldier riding a horse. She twisted her fingers in her hands and she bit her lip as her mind swirled with too many thoughts for her Sixteen-year-old brain.

"Lily, do you know where Mr. Snape is at this moment?" McGonagall spoke from behind Slughorn, which caused Lily to gasp and jump with fright.

She choked. Did she say…she did, but how did she figure that out. "What?"

"Mr. Snape, dear. Do you know where he is?"

"Why do you want to see him?"

"He's the one who's having problems, isn't he?"

"No, no, don't-he-he wouldn't want-I said I wouldn't-I didn't-don't even act like you care!" Her eyes flashed. "Professor Slughorn didn't even realize he was gone."

Slughorn shook his head. "No, we did notice. He had been claiming he had some sickness. It was already made aware and we were suspicious."

"But you said you'd go looking for me…"

"Because we heard you went out last night and never showed back up in your dorm or breakfast and no one had seen you. It concerned me this morning. Mr. Snape said he was sick and not coming. But he's been claiming to be ill quite a bit, and not doing his work. The sudden change this term has bothered us, all of us professors. He's not been showing up to any of his classes lately."

Lily nodded. "I had noticed, but thought he just-had other plans." She choked hard. Dammit, she hadn't paid attention either. She'd been a jerk if she hadn't noticed really, but with so many others in the class it was hard to keep track. Still, she had noticed his sadness and missing a lot of classes. She had never bothered to just go talk to him though, her pride getting in the way before last night. Her heart lunged down into her stomach with a thud. She was a horrible friend, even if they weren't friends at that point, she still had been and she knew something was wrong, she knew something was different about him and she knew she needed to talk to him, but didn't. It was her fault too.

"Let us speak with him." McGonagall stated, which broke her thoughts.

"He won't let you talk to him. He-he hardly wanted to talk to me even, but I'm an old friend, so…he finally did-talk to me that is. He won't-not to you."

"We're willing to try and find out what's going on."

"Lily, I hate to do this, but if you do not take us to him, I'm afraid you'll be put in detention and stalling longer will cause you to lose house points."

Lily's eyes got wide. "W-what? That's not fair. You can't make it worse for him-if he knows you know-he'll think I told on him."

"You didn't." Slughorn cleared his throat. "Tell Mr. Snape that I wish to see him in my office in ten minutes. If he doesn't show, we'll have to track him down, won't we?"

"And he'll receive detention…with Filch."

Lily swallowed hard and the dryness of her throat burned.

"Have you seen him today?"

"Severus?"

"Yes."

Lily paused a moment as she shifted her eyes down the hallway again, which was empty this time, before turning back to them and giving a nod. "Yes, I've seen him."

"Do you know where he is now?"

Lily bit her lower lip for a second before nodding. "I think so, yes."

"Can you find him and tell him I wish to see him?"

She nodded. "I will…but he won't be happy about this at all." The hall seems desolate as she headed back to the study despite the few others talking all about her. Her shoes seemed to vibrate off the walls, even though the others voices would drown that out. Heavy, her heart sank toward her stomach as she took short strides closer and closer to the room. Longer strides made her legs feel like lead was filling them in anguish anticipation of finding him alive where she had left him alone for far longer than she had intended to leave him to himself and his thoughts.

0o0o0o

Severus stepped out into the brisk air. Dark clouds held steady overhead, threatening to break any moment, but he continued down the steps to the lake. Still slick from the overnight rain and lack of sun or warmth to dry it up his foot slide forward and he lost his balance. His leg scraped the stairs as it hit the concrete and the rough ground scraped his hands as he attempted to break his fall. His tailbone hit the edge of the step, which sent a throbbing pain up his back and across the bone.

"Stupid stairs." He grumbled to himself as he picked himself back up and brushed the mud off his hands onto his trousers, which stung his palms. "If I had my damn wand I could fix these scrapes and bruises…not like it matters anyway. At least physical pain isn't unbearable. It'll go away without any trouble. It's everything else that sucks."

The lake was quiet. Not even the squid dared to come up from his warm cave to brace the coming rain. He bent down and scooped up some rocks. One by one he skipped them across the lake. Each time he skipped a rock, he threw the next one harder and harder until one skipped half way across the lake. He kicked at the ground with the tip of his shoe. Rocks flailed into the air and tumbled down into the water. Severus flopped himself onto the damp rocks and let out a heavy sigh as chilly air hit his bare face with great force, but he did not baulk or move at all. Instead, he just stared across the lake, unflinching.

0o0o0o

Lily opened the door to the study. "Severus?" It was silent. The window was untouched and everything seemed in place. She peered around the couch. Nothing. "Maybe he's still in the bathroom."

With one last glance around the room, she hurried down the hall to the boys' bathroom. She knocked on the door. "Severus? Are you in there?"

_Silence_

With a deep breath, she opened the door. "Is anyone in here?"

_Silence_

She quietly entered and gripped the pocket where her wand was located before peering around. No one was at the urinals and all the stalls were open and visibly empty. No noise came from the shower stalls, but she made her way over anyway. "Sev?" She whispered.

One by one she opened the stalls and shut her eyes expecting him to yell at her and if he was behind a stall and was naked she did not want to embarrass him. Upon finding the last stall empty her heart sank into her stomach and her throat tightened and made her breath laboured before she tore out of the bathroom with her heart beating in her ears. "Severus!"


End file.
